*This is the colored window I use to look through every time I went upstairs. Third step up has a hinge for hiding valuables?!  We found really old newspapers in it, when my brother n' I first discovered it.

My Mom's house was sold in 16 days; it was bought by a friend of our family on August 31st.  He thought a lot of my Dad and has been a good friend to my Mom. He would plow her snow filled door yard, when he could, no charge. He grew up next door; he is older than me by fifteen yrs. His nephews are around my age. My Mom has changed her mind and decided she doesn't want to move here. She wants to stay in the area she grew up in and has lived her whole life.  She has an apartment lined up. She has a month to get her things in order and move.  I understand how she feels, but my husband and I think this is just a delay, for now. I want to go home, but I have 2 Dr's appointments and a surgical procedure scheduled this month.  She says there won't be any place for me to stay, the beds will be broken down. My husband can not go with me; September in the Navy is a busy time. If she was moving here; he still would not be able to go. The Chief select program is underway and soon initiation. Think Survivor show, extreme drills and exhaustion, the final round of becoming a Navy Chief. I don't even know all the crazy stuff they do.  My husband is in charge of this event. My daughter's color guard schedule is crazy. Practice one evening from 5-8pm; then the next day from 3-6.  My son goes to college and works; his hours constantly change. I feel ill thinking about this. If I go home; I will have to find someone to transport my daughter. I am being held hostage by my Dr and have to go to my next appointment. I needed blood work done and she only gave me so many pills. I will run out in 6 days.  I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.  If I don't go home I will regret it, if I do will I be any help?    I can't lift or do anything heavy, my back isn't good.  She didn't think she would sell it this fast; I knew it would be sooner than later.

She doesn't think I should come; her mess and I can't lift anything. My brother lives 20 minutes from her.  Augh...why is life so damn difficult?  My husband thinks she will hate this apartment, it is in a Senior type apartment complex. We will end up going up to get her, before it is all said and done.  I think he is right, but can I live with my guilt?!  Tough call, have any of you been in a similar situation?


Let your brother help.
Take care of you and your family. You'll be no use to her if you don't. You/They need you more.
Guilt is forbidden!
xoxo Colette
Hi Ella .. I think this time you have to take care of you .. and you can't feel guilty .. your mother has said no to you right now and she doesn't need your help .. she will, as you've said, sometime later on.

Send her a few cards - handwritten notes etc .. and lots of love .. get your own health back ... and be there for your own family

Lots of thoughts - Hilary
Anonymous said…
you know sometimes when we look at big problems like this they are only big in our eyes,, your mum will do what she wants and if she changes her mind she changes her mind,, not one thing you can do about it. I have been in this situation, I'm older than you it was 10 years past.I made myself sick with worry and guilt, I was not in the position to physically help, my brother lived close,, soit was quite the same, this what I learned from the whole mess.Guilt is a wated emotion, you know you can't help so let it go, your brother can , let him,, there will lots for you to do in the future.Give her support by calling and maybe have some flowers or some goodies delivered, your mum knows you love her, she wouldn't want you hurting yourself in this situation.Think of it as you are your mother and your daughter is you,, what would you expect from yur daughter,, take a big breath and don't worry about what you can't do,, just what you can,, ( sorry this is so long but i truly have felt this pain)
Ella, it's not the right time for you, so don't feel guilty. Your brother is there and he can lift things. As for whether your mother will like her new place, I have no idea. I remember my grandmother going to an independent living place many years ago and she really liked it, but I'm not sure how my own parents will handle that one day.
GigglesandGuns said…
Oh Ella, please take care of yourself first. Things will only be worse if you don't.
Don't try to second guess your mom's happiness. She may love the independence.
Let your brother do the lifting and help her settle in.
Take care and try to relax.
Vicki said…
Let your brother help her or ask the seller if she can rent back a few weeks to finish up the moving. You need to get your drs appointments and surgery done or you will be no help to your kids and husband. You know my husband's parents moved into a senior apt complex with assisted living. They love it and have flourished there. Lots of new friends and activities. Could be good for her. You never know.
Donna said…
As everyone else has said, you need to take care of you first. And no guilt-after all she did say no. If your brother is willing to help, let him. You keep your doctor's appointments and get yourself well first.
Janelle said…
I agree that you should take care of yourself and your family right now. Later you can help when your mom really needs it. Conference calls between your mom, brother, and you might be useful to get details worked out. That is what my mother-in-law does for her parents. Don't feel guilty, your time to help will be here soon. Don't forget that your mother probably wants to feel in control of her life as long as she is able. Good luck!
Anonymous said…
6 days of meds left...thats not much! Sounds like you gotta get your health stuff taken care of pronto. Ditto everyone else on the brother. Double ditto on the guilt.
Susan Kane said…
There comes a time in the parent and adult child relationship where the roles switch. It is horrible, being the parent to an 84 year old woman. But for your mother's safety and your sanity, you have to accept the part, and play it well.
Get your brother in there!
shelly said…
Oh my, yes, but I won't divulge.
Ella said…
Thank you everyone; I will be back to add further comments! Please be safe this holiday weekend~xXx
Ella let your brother help as much as he can, you take care of yourself. In the future you may be needed until then write to your mother phone her, she'll love you for it I'm sure.
Dave King said…
I agree with bluepurpleandscarlet - and most other folk: you've got to get yoursel sorted.
Jules said…
Let your brother handle things for now! I went through this with my grandmother, 3 months of it. She finally moved in the senior living apartment and to our surprise, loves it.

Take care of yourself or you will be no help to anyone, including yourself.
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow
yep, take care of your family first, and let other things go naturally.

I hope everything will be OK with that surgery thing, Ella. Hope it's not anything serious :(
wow aging parents. They have no idea how hard it is on us when they hang on to being "indpendent". It sounds like it woudl be so much easier if she would move out of the "Home" town. I am so sorry for your problems.Take care of yourself !!